A guide for loving yourself

Many people have periods in which they don’t love themselves. These periods can be very difficult, because love is the force that keeps us hopeful and vital. I also had periods like that in my life and these were very hard on me. I was lucky that the universe has helped me through these bad times, and that is why I decided to share my experiences on how I was able to love myself again.

First we have to understand that love in not a concept that we should be learned somehow and understood, it is only an emotion, a feeling. A very simple and straight forward emotion. We have all felt it before. It could have come from our parents, our friends or from our pets. But the most reliable source for love is actually God, or Mother Earth. So if one day you will be left alone without love, then all you have to do is ask God, or Mother Earth for love and you will receive it immediately, without any conditions or judgement. This is why I don’t believe in any religious sect that teaches that Gods’ love has conditions to it. From my experience I can tell you that it is unconditional. Try it for yourself if you don’t believe me!

So the first exercise I suggest you try, is going outside to nature, lying flat on your back on Mother Earth, opening your arms and legs to your sides and asking for Mother Earths’ and Gods’ love, so that it will fill your whole being. Enjoy!

Now, that you know what unconditional love feels like, it is your responsibility to take care of your self love, so that the feeling will always be present when you need it.

I have many beloved albums that I listen to, when I need love. One of my favorites is the Leonard Cohen live concerts. Or the Beatles, all you need is love. Bob Marley’s songs: One love, Positive vibration and Is this love are also great.

Love is an emotion that should be expressed and shared with the people around you, so that you are surrounded by the people you love, and who loves you back. When you are surrounded by people who loves you, no one can “own” your love. Try to fill your world with as many loving beings as you can: People, animals, plants and even rocks. There are no limits to how much love you can give and receive… 😉

Love should be expressed openly: If you love someone – let them know that you love them. They will be happy to know that somebody loves them, and you will enjoy giving love as well, love is endless!

There are many people how don’t love themselves, and it is futile to expect love from them. They cannot give you something that they don’t have. It is usually the case that persons who love themselves, finds other persons who love themselves too. And then they share the love they have between them and create their life out of that love.
And then there are people who have not found self-love yet, and they usually find other people who don’t love themselves yet either and together form a partnership based on the scarcity of love. Until they learn to love themselves, and the relationship ends…

So what can be done if you haven’t found love yet?

It is time to examine our family’s rules of love and ponder if they make any sense.

Reprogramming the family’s rules of love

Every family has it’s own rules for how to express love and whom it should be given to. Rules about who deserves love from the members of the family and who doesn’t. Usually every family has their own rules, so your mother’s family’s love rules will be different from your father’s family love rules. That is why I suggest you take a paper and a pen and divide the paper into two columns:

My father’s family’s love rule & My mother’s family’s love rules.

When I say rules, I mean:

What kind of person you should be, so that you will receive love from your parents?


What kind of man, or woman, you should be, so that you will be worthy of your partners love?

My family’s love rules were like this:

My mother’s family love rules
My father’s family love rules
1. I should be good 1. I should be strong
2. I should be quiet 2. I should be brave
3. I should obey my parents 3. I should be tidy
4. I should be nice 4. I should help others
5. I should wait for my mother 5. I should be the same as everybody else
6. No shouting! 6. I should compromise with other people
7. I should take everybody with me 7. I should protect the family, my father and my mother
8. I should be normal 8. I should be hard-working
9. I mustn’t be afraid 9. I should do as I am told
10. I should be loyal to the family 10. I should be sweet

My father and mother taught me to obey these rules by their own example, they lived by these set of rules themselves. So in a sense they taught me to love myself, only if I live according to these rules. And not to love myself, if I don’t follow these rules.

So how can we remove these rules from our energy matrix, so that we can love ourselves unconditionally?

With the help of our forefathers and fore-mothers.

How to reprogram our family’s love rules, that are stored in our genes, our DNA?

Scientists have already proven that in mice, traumas are transmitted from generation to generation via our DNA. I believe that rules and decisions are also being transmitted from generation to generation via our DNA. That is why, when we reprogram the love rules of the family, we actually reprogram our DNA, or in a sense, we remove energetic blocks from our DNA, and then our energetic system can flow more freely. We become healthier. For example, if our great grandmother has decided that she doesn’t want to see the horrors of life anymore, then all her descendants will probably wear glasses, unless they consciously re-decide that they are willing to see life as it is, horrors or not.

The method I have developed, for removing these rules from our DNA, is very simple. You just make contact with the person who have set the rule, show him that the rule is stupid and ask him/her to change or remove the rule., So that we can love ourselves unconditionally, without any limitations set on us generations ago.

I’ll give you an example:

My father’s family love rule number one is: “I should be strong!”.

The opposite of strong is weak. So if I can get permission from my father to be weak, then I can choose for myself when I want to be weak and when I want to be strong, and the rule will become nullified. Then I can sometimes be weak and sometimes be strong, according to circumstances and personal preference, and I could love myself either way.

My brother has taught me an easy way to contact our ancestors. He said that I could build myself a house in my heart and ask all my forefathers to join me in that inner house. I, off course, took it a step forward, and once I had this inner house ready I asked all my forefathers AND my fore-mothers to join me in this house. And now every time I need their help I can go into this inner house and lay my question on their table and receive the answers and support I need from them.

Another way is to ask your own soul to contact the souls of your forefathers and fore-mothers and then, once you have made contact with them, you can ask them one by one for their advice and help.

I have used both methods and they work equally well.

But let’s return to our example: I have asked my father’s soul for a permission to be weak, or strong, according to the situation and my choosing. My father’s soul said that I should ask this permission from my whole family, but he thinks my idea makes good sense to him. So I went into my inner house, where all my forefathers and mothers are, and asked their permission to be weak or strong according to the situation and my choosing. They said that no one can be strong all the time, It’s nice to be weak from time to time too.

And like that I have nullified the rule: I should be strong from my DNA. Now I can love myself even when I’m weak.

Let’s take another example:

One of my mother’s family’s love rules is that I should be nice. So I contacted my mother’s soul and asked for her permission to be naughty, mean, or nice according to the situation and my choosing.

My mother said that this rule was forced on her, with the threat of violence, by my grandmother. So I contacted my grandmother’s soul and asked her permission, for me and for my mother, to be naughty, mean or nice according to the situation and our choosing. My grandmother laughed at my request and said that I we have her permission. Then she asked my mother for forgiveness for all the beatings and humiliations she have perpetrated on her, with which she held the family’s love rules. She said she have learned her lesson already and has changed her ways.

Lastly I want to give a third example, because this rule is about setting boundaries to others, and to family members as well.

In my father’s side of the family there is a rule: “I should protect my family, my father and my mother”.

In my mother’s side there are similar rules: “I should obey my family” and “I should be loyal to my family”.

But what if the parents are both violent, like it was in my family? What if they both hide this violence from the outside world?

So the new rule should be: “I should protect myself from my family, I should obey myself and be loyal to myself first”.

So I went into my inner house and contacted my forefathers and fore-mothers, and asked for their permission to protect myself from my own parents, when I need to, and act according with my own interests. Be loyal to myself first and only then be loyal to my family, because both my parents were violent towards me.

I received an advice from my forefathers and mothers that in my home I can live according to my own rules and I can protect my home from everybody, including my own family if necessary, so that I can live in peace and safety in my own home.

So that’s what I did.

I have thus slowly reprogrammed all my family’s love rules in my DNA (the process took many years), so that I could be myself, live according to my own judgement and love myself as I am.

I have written this guide so that other people can have easier time learning how to love themselves too.

Here are the old and the new rules of love in my family:

My mother’s family’s love rules My father’s family’s love rules
1. I should be good – I can be good or bad, and love myself either way. 1. I should be strong – I can be weak or strong, and love myself either way.
2. I should be quiet – I can be quiet or noisy, and love myself wither way. 2. I should be brave – I can be brave or be a coward, and love myself either way.
3. I should obey my parents – I can obey my parents or myself, and love myself wither way. 3. I should be tidy – I can be messy or tidy, and love myself either way.
4. I should be nice – I can be naughty, mean or nice, and love myself. 4. I should help others – I can help others or help myself, and love myself either way.
5. I should wait for my mother – I can go forward by myself or with my mother, and love myself either way. 5. I should be the same as everybody else – I can be different or the same as others, and love myself either way.
6. No shouting! – It’s ok to shout or not, and love myself either way. 6. I should compromise with other people – I can compromise with others, or not, and love myself either way.
7. I should take everybody with me – I can work on my own or take everybody with me, and love myself either way. 7. I should protect the family, my father and my mother – I can protect my family, or protect myself from my family, and love myself either way.
8. I should be normal – I can be crazy, abnormal or normal, and love myself either way. 8. I should be hard-working – I can be lazy or hard-working, and love myself either way.
9. I mustn’t be afraid – It’s ok to be afraid, or not, and love myself either way. 9. I should do as I am told – I can do as I am told, or do as I wish to, and love myself either way.
10. I should be loyal to the family – I can be loyal to myself or to my family, and love myself either way. 10. I should be sweet – I can be sweet or unpleasant, and love myself either way.

The power of forgiveness

Now that we have learned how to reprogram our family’s rules of love, and can love ourselves more or less unconditionally, it can be easier for us to live more freely, make mistakes, learn from our mistakes and forgive ourselves. (Forgive ourselves when we can not learn from our mistakes too 😉

Each one of us have been in a situation where we did something bad to somebody else. Some of these deeds are such, that it is hard to forgive ourselves.

In these situations, I suggest that you ask your soul to make contact with the soul of the person that you have hurt and ask for his/her forgiveness from your heart. You will usually be forgiven if your apology is sincere and comes from your heart.

Once the other person has forgiven you, then it will be also easier for you to forgive yourself. It will be easier for you to love yourself again.

If, at the moment, you cannot forgive yourself, then I suggest that you just open the possibility that one day in the future you will be able to do so:

I cannot forgive myself at the moment, but maybe one day I will forgive my self.

Just open yourself to that possibility, to the process of forgiveness. It might take a few hours, or maybe dozens of years, the important thing is that you know that one day you will forgive yourself. Try to forgive yourself before you die, so that the karma will not follow you to your next life. Why carry crap from one life to the other?

Getting to know yourself

Lastly I would like to give you something to think about:

How do you treat yourself?

Are you your own best friend?

Is loving yourself your responsibility, or is it somebody else’s?

Whose responsibility is to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes?

Please treat yourselves with care, as you would treat your own children…😉

Love and good fortune, Arje Sakari Silander

P.s. I found a new love-rule in my mothers’ family: “You shouldn’t be sick”.

I remember that I could never be really sick, in my mothers’ presence, I was always expected to be “fine”, which was really tiring.
So I contacted my ancestors and asked them for permission to be sick.
I got the permission from them.
This love-rule has probably come from the time when my grandfather, who have fought as a medic in the continuation war against Russia, has come home mentally ill.
He faced many horrors in the war and had to help badly wounded Finnish soldiers die. The soldiers knew they were dying and has asked my grandfather to help them end it quickly. and he did. That had left a scar in my grandfathers’ consciousness. He could never forgive himself. So he kept drinking until the day he died and my grandmothers’ family kept pretending that everything was ok with him. They were probably ashamed he never recuperated from his war experiences.
These “You can’t be sick” love-rules can be found in many families, in many different variations: I had a friend whose family had a love-rule that said:”You can only receive love when you are sick”.
So my friend had to become sick every time he wanted to be loved.
If you have a similar love-rule in your family, then you should contact your ancestors and ask them for permission to “deserve love even when you are healthy”.

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