A story about rape

In order to understand this story, I will need to tell you about my background first. I was born in Turku, Finland, but my family moved to Israel when I was three years old. We spent our first year in Israel in a Finnish village near Jerusalem, called Yad Hashmona. After that my family moved to a kibbutz in northern Israel called Merom Golan. Kibbutz’s differ from a normal village by its communist ideology: All the members of the kibbutz work for the kibbutz and for their work, the kibbutz provides them with all their needs: free housing, food, furniture, clothes, education, etc. As children, we gathered every year in the Kibbutz’s clothes department, where each one of us was allowed to pick clothes for themselves: a couple of trousers and a couple of shirts. We also got two pairs of shoes and one pair of sandals every year. Everyone ate together in the dining hall of the kibbutz, where food was free for the members of the kibbutz and their children. Once we were thirteen, we also began working for the kibbutz for one day a week. For the rest of the week we studied in the local school.

When I was a child, the kibbutz was still based on communist ideology: All the members of the Kibbutz got equal pay, no matter what job they held. Every job was equally important for the community. And the kibbutz, took care of all the members equally. For us children, this was like paradise, if we wouldn’t take into account the negative sides of the kibbutz.

Namely, we as children, had to live and sleep in the kibbutz’s kindergarten by ourselves, and not with our parents. This was really difficult for many of us, both mentally and emotionally. We lived and slept in the kindergarten, and every evening we got to see our parents for a few hours. Later on in the evening, our parents took us back to the kindergarten, where they would help us fall asleep. After that, we were left alone in the kindergarten. Once every hour or so, an armed guard would come and do his round in the kindergarten and check that everybody was OK. (The kibbutz was located near the Syrian border, so there were armed kibbutz members guarding the gates and the places were the children slept). So as children, we had to basically raise ourselves up and solve our problems by ourselves, without adult supervision. We became independent, but, as they say in Hebrew: “scratched” children.

I started going to the kibbutz’s kindergarten when I was four years old, when I didn’t even understand Hebrew yet. I remember the first night I slept in the kindergarten: I got into a fight with a Israeli boy, after which several children attacked me. Probably the whole fight was due to a misunderstanding. I just didn’t understand what they were saying, and got into a fight. And the other kids just tried to keep us apart until we calmed down. However, to me it felt like I was being attacked, first by one child and then by the rest of them. First night without mother… ☹

My little brother was also born at that same time, and since he was a baby, he got to sleep at home with my parents, and I didn’t. This seemed really unfair to me and I always felt like I did something wrong and that’s why I was punished and thrown out from my parents’ home. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized that my parents were just too insecure and didn’t have the courage to say no to the authorities of the kibbutz. They should have told the kibbutz that their children needed time to learn the language first, and only after they have learned how to communicate in Hebrew, they can be put in a kindergarten, with the rest of the children. (Today, children no longer sleep in the kibbutz’s kindergarten. The children sleep in their parents’ home until they are 16, at which point they move into a youth center, and get their own apartments). Although sleeping in the kindergarten was difficult at first, it also had a positive side: I escaped most of my father’s violence and humiliations. But I’m going ahead of myself, we will get to that part later on in the story.

When I was six, I moved to the kibbutz’s elementary school, where I continued to grow up. Each age class had its own building, where we lived and slept, two or three children in each room. In the room, each child had a bed, a night lamp and a small cabinet, where we could keep our things.

The school house in kibbutz Merom Golan.

That was when I discovered the kibbutz’s children’s library and reading. I often stayed in our school building in the evenings, to read books, when I was too afraid to go home to my violent father. Our classroom building had a dining room, a kitchen, a walk-in closet (for all children’s clothing), three toilets, two showers, and a small yard where we played football and basketball together. We played there every day, after school.

Because the kibbutz was located ten kilometers from the Syrian border, each building also had its own bomb shelter, where we also played from time to time. Later on, when we were teenagers, we even set up a disco in the bomb shelter. In the first years in the kibbutz (1972-73), the situation between Israel and Syria was really bad, and in 1973 the Yom Kippur War started. The entire population of the kibbutz had to be evacuated to another kibbutz in the center of Israel. Only the men and the Israeli army stayed in the kibbutz to protect it. After the war we returned to the kibbutz and life continued peacefully. Since then, the Syrian border has remained more or less peaceful.

But let’s get back to the story. When I was about 11 years old, a new family from the city has moved to the kibbutz and one of its children, named Lior, joined our class. He was a year older than us, but since there weren’t enough children in his age group, he joined our class. At this point, I had a hole in my memory and for a long time I didn’t remember what happened that year when this new kid has joined our class.

When I was 13, we moved into the youth building of the kibbutz, which was great. We also started studying in the district high school called Har vagai, which was located in another kibbutz called Dafna. That’s when my life started changing for the better: I met many new wonderful people, I grew up a little and even found myself a girlfriend.

At the age of sixteen, I got the shock of my life: All the Israelis are given a blue ID card, when they turn 18. However, the ID card my big sister got from the Israeli interior ministry, was colored orange. The same colour the Palestinians ID card is.

Israely ID card given to Palsetinians and non-jews.

That’s when I realized that in Israel, I will always be considered a second-class citizen, because I’m not Jewish. My legal status in Israel was the same as the Palestinians: “You can live here, Christian boy, but we will always make sure that you remember that you are not one of us. We will mark you with this orange ID card so that you will always remember your place in our Jewish country.” That moment changed my life for ever. I realized that I have no future in the kibbutz, or in Israel.

That’s when studying lost its interest for me, because I know a Israeli high school diploma doesn’t mean much outside of Israel. So I began focusing on other things: driving tractors, music, parties and of course: girls. 😊

After school, when my whole class has enlisted to the Israeli army, I was left alone in a kibbutz’s apple orchard, where I worked after high school. When I was 19 I received an official enlistment order from the Finnish army, I decided to go immediately, so as to get rid of any army service before I was twenty. When the time came, I said goodbye to all my friends in Israel and flew back to Finland. After a few months in Helsinki, I joined the Finnish army and served for eight months in the Helsinki Air Defense Regiment. I got to play a war hero in the Finnish forests… 😊

After serving my country, Finland, I returned to Israel and tried to continue my life there, but it didn’t really work out anymore. The Kibbutz’s leadership wanted me to serve in the Israeli army as well, or do civil-service for two years, if I wanted to stay in the kibbutz. But after serving in the Finnish army for eight months, I no longer wanted to serve anyone. Especially not a country that sees me as a second-class person, because of my religion. So I left the kibbutz and moved to another kibbutz nearby, where I worked and saved money for a trip to England. When I had the money all saved up, I flew to London and traveled around the UK for a few months. From there I returned home to Finland!

My uncle lives in Helsinki, so I stayed with his family until I found a job and an apartment for myself. I studied Finnish and made many new friends here in Helsinki. After about ten years in Helsinki, I experienced a spiritual awakening and began walking on my spiritual path, a path that I still walk on today.

This path has been really rewarding for me: I got to know many interesting people and got to know myself a lot better. Two problems had driven me to my spiritual path: I was feeling really bad and I didn’t know why. I didn’t remember much of my childhood. As if it didn’t exist or was strangely hidden from me. I didn’t remember anything from my early life in Finland or the first years in Israel.

In addition to spirituality, I was also into music: I play guitar and bass and I also wanted to study singing. So I found myself a professional singing teacher who, by chance, was also a clairvoyant. She told me that I have three emotional locks in my abdomen and that I don’t know how to express my emotions. That’s when many things started opening up for me: In our family, only my father was allowed to express his emotions. He yelled at us almost every day and used us as his emotional garbage can. My mother was completely locked up — unable to express any emotions, and my sisters and brother did their best to cope with my father’s daily emotional abuse. The singing teacher taught me how to express my emotions in singing and changed my life for the better. I’ll be forever grateful to her for her help and advice!

A few years later, after my long-time girlfriend left me, I began exploring spirituality even more deeply. I discovered genetic therapy and learned how to heal my DNA. I also became acquainted with shamanism and began drumming and singing with the spirits of Mother Earth! Shamanism was the second salvation of my life: I started spending as much time in nature as possible and chatting with trees, animals, and birds. I still try to spend time outside in nature every day. That’s where I charge myself up.

My biggest problem at the time was memory loss, and because I couldn’t remember my traumas, I couldn’t face them and heal them. However, since I wanted to remember, a little by little, all sorts of events from my childhood began returning to me: my father beating me up with a belt and my mother holding me afterwards saying: “Nothing happened, forget it, Nothing happened, forget it.”

That’s when I realized why I don’t remember anything. My mother told me to forget my traumas and pretend they never happened!

Once I opened that memory lock, many other memories began rising up: a surgery I had when I was two years old where I died from too much anesthetics, my father raping my mother and lastly, I finally remembered what happened to me at the kibbutz’s bomb shelter when I was eleven: I was sexually abused.

My trauma

When those memories rose up, I was really embarrassed: I have been sexually abused. How can I be a man anymore, after an event like this? Little by little, I began to unravel all the emotions that flooded me from that event and were locked deep inside of me. First came rage, anger, and then helplessness. Finally came shock, panic and surrender. The boy who had sexually abused me was a year older and much stronger. He also knew how to fight, better than I did. I remember he held me down, took off my pants, and tried to get me to touch his private parts. At this point I finally understood what was happening and started fighting, so I guess that’s when he realized what he was doing and stopped sexually attacking me. However, he still had physical control over me and he threatened he would kill me if I ever tell anyone about his attack. He said he would tell everyone I was gay and then he will kill me. I didn’t even know what the word gay meant when I was eleven, but every boy of that age knows that it’s something really bad.

I guess I had repressed the memories of this sexual attack somewhere deep inside of me and they stayed there until I started digging them out as an adult. When these memories opened up, everything fell into place: I realized why many of the women I had dated had also been sexually abused or raped at an early age. I understood why I didn’t have any male friends who are stronger or bigger than me, and why my sexual creative power is stuck and why I was afraid of men. Afraid of myself.

Many do not know this, but rapists don’t want only sex or humiliation – What they really want is to control their victim’s sexual creative power. When I realized this, I told my sexual abuser telepathically to immediately disconnect from my kundalini, my sexual life force and never return. After that, a long road began, during which I gradually healed myself from this trauma. The healing process is still in progress and I still face many uncontrollable fears, every now and then, but I’ve learned to accept them and face them when they show up, using the love in my heart. I have learned to love myself even when I am afraid. Since this thing is a taboo in our society and no one really wants to talk about it, I decided to share my experiences on the subject and share how I healed myself from that traumatic event. Another reason for this article is that I want to take my power back from my abuser: Yes, I have been sexually abused – but I will continue with my life and stand on my own two feet and I will name my abuser: Lior S from kibbutz Merom Golan. Let him be ashamed, not me.


Restoring physical security after rape

The first step in restoring physical security is to get rid of all the people who endanger our safety. But even though I moved from Israel back to Finland, and my abuser was really far away from me, I still didn’t feel safe.

That’s when I realized that my physical security is not something physical – it’s in my mind. In my mind and in my DNA. It’s not enough to get a gun or learn martial arts (as I’ve done). Security comes from the knowledge that I have the right to physical integrity, which we didn’t have in our family. My father taught me that he has the right to beat me up and do anything he wants to me, without my permission. He beat up all the members of the family, raped my mother and when my mother was no longer able to have sex, my father began sexually abusing my sisters.

My mother, on the other hand, taught us to forget my father’s attacks and pretend they never happened. So in a sense both my parents taught me the same thing: it’s OK for them to beat me up. So, how then can I change my family’s rules, that I’ve been taught as a child? – Through my DNA.

When I realized this, I made two meditative journeys along my DNA: First to my mother’s side of the family and then to my father’s side. I journey from generation to generation until I found out when physical security was lost in our family. (In the original state, our DNA is perfect, without any blocks. The energies flow through them freely and the body heals itself perfectly. This perfection is symbolized by “Adam” and “Eve”, the perfect ancestors, the original state we were in, when God created us.)

Genetic roots grown from the heart.

But let’s get back to my meditative journey: I had to travel a long distance along my genes before I found out the right generation where physical integrity was lost in my family. On my mother’s side, I found my great-great-great-grandmother who had been enslaved as a child and her owner was allowed to do to her whatever he wanted to. So I contacted her soul and asked her to correct this genetic block in my DNA. I showed her that slavery was over and she was entitled to her physical integrity. She healed herself and when she did that, all the generations between us healed as well.

On my father’s side, I found the person from whom the sexual abuse had started: an Austrian choir boy, about 13 years old, who has been exploited by a pastor. Although he told his parents what the pastor had done to him, the parents didn’t dare to do anything about it, because the pastor was an important clergyman. Thus, physical integrity was also lost in the genes of my father’s lineage. So I contacted the souls of this Austrian boy (and his parents) and asked them to heal their trauma as well and fight for their rights, even if they have to fight the pope himself.


How to meditate with your genes?

The idea is to go into your heart and ask it to create two roots, upon which you can then travel: One root from your heart to the perfect female ancestor (“EVE”). And another root from your heart to the perfect male ancestor (“Adam”). Once both lines are created by your heart consciousness, you can travel on them to whichever generation you would like to and heal your DNA.

Since the subject of my first journey was finding out when and why I lost my physical integrity, I traveled along my genetic roots and asked each of my forefathers and fore-mothers: Do you have physical integrity? If the answer was “no,” then I continued on to the next generation until I found the right generation where physical integrity had been lost.

When I found the right generation, I asked my heart to contact the souls of that forefather/fore mother and asked them to help me regain my physical integrity at the DNA level. That’s when I gained the insights (visions) to the reasons that caused the loss of physical integrity in my family. When I knew the reasons, I asked my fore-mothers/forefathers to heal it and pass the healing on to me through all the generations between us.

Once I healed my physical integrity at the DNA level, the next step was to learn to behave differently: First, I created myself a suitable sized physical space that I was happy with. After that, I started defending that space from others. I began to set boundaries to people who tried to touch me or came too close without my permission. I also went to a Ju-jitsu course and learned how to protect myself from others.

I also created my own sexual space, where people may enter only with my permission. I then ordered my abuser out of my sexual space and told him to stay away from me for the rest of my life.

In many families the children are not allowed to choose their own sexual partners. The parents choose the partners for the children. So, if that is the case in your family, then I suggest you make another genetic journey and make sure you have permission to choose your own partners by yourself.

Once I have healed my physical integrity issue and got rid of the attacker (=sexual leech), the next step was to face the actual trauma and heal myself from this horrible experience.

But how can you heal something you cannot remember?


How to unlock memory locks that were set during sexual abuse

Many people are shunned by their families after they’ve been raped or sexually abused. Many of my clients told me the same sad story: They were raped and their lives were threatened, and when they told their parents about it, their parents shamed them into silence.

As I’ve said, my sexual abuser had threatened me with death, if I ever told anyone about what he did to me. He also threatened me that he would tell everybody that I was “gay”. So my abused inner child went into hiding and locked the door behind him. I did as my mother has taught me to do: “If someone (=father) beats you up, you should forget about it and pretend it never happened. So that’s what I did. I forgot it and went into hiding inside myself.

So in order to remember what has happened, I had to open two memory locks: one lock set by my mother’s rules and another lock set by my own fear of death. My mother’s lock was easier to open: I just contacted my mother’s soul and asked her permission to remember everything and be aware of what has happened. (The programming taught by my mother was: “nothing has happened, forget it!”. So the counter program is: “Be aware of everything that has happened and remember everything.”)

My mother has probably learned this “forget and pretend that nothing has happened” method from her own parents. Hopefully she reads this article and also opens her memory locks… 😉

After I unlocked the memory locks set by my mothers’ programing, I could make contact with the abused inner child. I invited this inner child into my heart and asked his permission to contact the soul of my sexual abuser. The inner child agreed, just as long as the inner adult protected him duration the contact. I asked my soul, my Guardian Angel, God and Mother Earth to protect me and once I felt protected, I asked my soul to contact the soul of my sexual abuser. I asked him for permission to tell everyone about the sexual attack. The answer came that “Yes, you can tell everyone, and you can also name me, I take responsibility for this”.


Going back into the physical body after rape

Quite often, when someone suffers a traumatic physical experience, his consciousness (spirit) escapes the physical body and goes into hiding. If the attack comes from the front, the consciousness hides behind the body. If the attack comes from behind, then the consciousness hides in front of the body.

Here’s an example from my childhood: when I was about two years old, I had a fight with my sister and she tried to strangle me. I resisted her and strangled her back. (In our family, my brother and sisters were allowed to hit me and bully me, but I wasn’t allowed to hit them or bully them back. I was the designated family scapegoat. So my siblings were horrible to me when we were children). That’s when my father came to my sister’s rescue, put me on his knees and started beating me up with his belt, until I escaped from my own body. Since the attack came from behind, I escaped my body through the third eye forwards. It took me many years to realize that a part of me was living in fear of death (it felt like my father was trying to kill me) in my etheric, fire body.

My father beating me up with his belt and mother watching
My father beating my up with his belt, while my mother watches.

We have four bodies: physical (earth), emotional (water, blue in the picture), mental (air, yellow in the picture) and etheric (fire, purple in the picture). The bodies are like an onion, where the inner body is the physical and the outer body is the etheric one.

The four bodies
The four bodies: Physical, Emotional, Mental and Etheric.

Because I went out of my physical body through the third eye. (See the picture for the third eye tunnel.) The way back to the physical body was through the same route: through the third eye chakra, backwards and inwards.

People usually escape from their bodies backwards, because most attacks come from the front. (They escape using the lower back tunnel seen in the picture above). Some flee to the mental body, away from the emotional body, and some flee all the way to the etheric body, as I did. Quite often, people also shrink into themselves and go into hiding near the tailbone, where they live their lives hidden (but also safe) from others.

Once I defined my physical, mental, emotional, ethereal and sexual spaces for myself and started to protect my space from other people, I could safely return to my physical body again. I began by meditating and asked my soul to help me. I asked my soul to open the return path for me, back to my physical body. Once I returned to my emotional body, I had to face all the emotions I couldn’t handle as a child during the beating-up trauma. Once all the emotions were felt, I was able to return to my physical body. It was hard dealing with all these emotions (fear of death, helplessness, anger, frustration, inequitability, shock, horror, panic, etc) but it was worth it!

When I returned to my emotional body for the first time, I’ve encountered such strong emotions, that I immediately escaped from my body again. So I had to relax first, wait for a while, and when I was ready I went back again. This happened many times until all these old strong emotions were felt out. After that I was able to stay in my physical body for longer and longer times. Now days I am mostly in my body, but sometimes I get scared and escape my body again. Then when I notice what has happened I relax, deal with the emotion that got me scared and return to my body again.

The important thing is I learned to forgive myself when I cannot do certain things. I’m more gentle with myself now days and I set boundaries to myself and others.

The different stages of escaping the body

The escape process can be divided into three stages:

  1. First, we escape from the physical body to the emotional body, because of physical pain.
  2. Then we escape from the emotional body to the mental body, because of over whelming emotions.
  3. Then we escape from the mental body to the etheric body, because our minds cannot comprehend the situation. The logic of the world around us is gone, so we leave the mental body as well. This is called: “losing your mind”, or “going crazy”.

Returning to our bodies after the trauma

The return process can also be divided into three stages:

    1. In order to return from the etheric body back to the mental body, we have to make the world logical again. We have to understand what has happened during the trauma, why it happened, and how it makes sense. Then the world will become logical again we can return back to our mental bodies.
  1. In order to return from the mental body to the emotional body, we have to learn how to recognize emotions, feel them, and express them out of our system in our own way.
  2. In order to return to our physical bodies from our emotional bodies, we have to face the physical pain of the trauma.

I will give you an example:

When my father beat me up with his belt, when I was a child, I escaped from my own physical body all the way to my etheric body. However, it happened in stages:

Because of the physical pain, I escaped from the physical body to the emotional body.

Because I couldn’t handle the emotions of the situation, I escaped from my emotional body to the mental body.

And because I didn’t understand why my father was trying to kill me, the world didn’t make sense anymore and I escaped from my mental body to the etheric body.

(One sign that we are in our etheric body is recurring saw-wave migraines and problems in grounding ourselves).

When I started the process of returning back to my physical body, I first had to realize that my father wasn’t trying to kill me, he was trying to educate me by beating me up with his belt. (Sick, but that’s what my father has learned from his own parents.) When I understood that, I was able to return to the mental body. The world made sense again.

After that, I had to face all the emotions I couldn’t handle as a child (shame, fear of death, panic, shock, hysteria, paralysis, surrender, acceptance, etc.). I had to remove numerous emotional locks and be really patient with myself. Once I dealt with all the traumatic emotions, I was able to return to my emotional body and stay in it.

The last stage was returning to my physical body, but that only happened after my father died and I was safe again.

During the return process, I escaped my body many more times and returned many more times. Until all emotions and all the fears were addressed and expressed. Even today, certain situations may cause me to escape my physical body again. Then I take time out and leave the situation if I can. Then I deal with the emotions that came up and and come back to my body when it’s possible. Then I forgive myself again for not being able to handle the situation.

It takes years to deal with such traumas, so please be patient with yourself, those wounds will not heal instantly.


Removing emotional locks

Once we start dealing with the emotions of our traumas, and we run into an emotion that we can’t handle, it’s probably because we either don’t recognize the emotion, so we can’t process it. Or we have learned, from our parents, that expressing that certain emotion is forbidden. The third option is that we have decided for ourselves to never express that emotion again.

If we don’t recognize what the emotion is, I recommend calling a trustworthy female friend, and asking her: what is the name of this emotion I’m feeling, but don’t have a name for? Since most women are emotional experts, they will tell you what the emotion is. Once we have named the emotion, we can express it out in our own way, by dancing, singing, painting, writing or just breathing it out. Look at this article for more advice on the subject.

If, on the other hand, it is forbidden in our family to express that certain emotion we have stuck inside of us. Then we can contact the souls of our ancestors and ask them for permission to express that emotion in our own way. Once we get permission from our parents and ancestors – the emotional block will be gone and we’ll be able to express that emotion!

For example, my mother’s father was a war veteran who couldn’t stand loud noises, so in his home the children (my mother and her brother) were not allowed to laugh out loud, because it scared my grandfather. My mother has passed this trait to me. So, I had to ask my soul to contact the souls of my grandfather and grandmother and asked their permission to laugh out loud.  They obviously gave me permission to laugh as loud as I want to.

If on the other hand we have decided to never express a certain emotion ourselves, then we need to get in contact with our past self, the inner child, who has made this decision and invite him into our hearts. Once the inner child is safe in our heart, we can ask him/her to reverse the decision.

I’ll give you an example. My father was a narcissist, who used to hurt me, so that he could see his own pain in my eyes. So when I was a teenager, I decided to never show him my hurt, so that he will not know how much he hurts me and hopefully will find a new victim for himself. It worked, but as an adult I wanted to be true to my emotions. So I asked my heart to contact the inner teenager that has made the decision and invited him into my heart. Once the Inner teenager was safe in my heart, and knew that my father wasn’t there any more, he reversed the decision, and I could be more true to my emotions.


Healing our sexuality after rape

As I have said before, rape is passed on from mothers to daughters and from fathers to sons. I have helped many women and men heal themselves after sexual abuse and 99% of them have rape in their genes. I have journeyed meditatively, with the people I helped, and saw how women who has been raped, has mothers who have been raped and grandmothers who been raped etc. etc. for many generations. All proud women who have been raped and but decided to keep quiet about it.

I found the same in my own family. My mother was raped by my father, her mother was raped too. etc. etc. A long chain of sexual abuses the family kept quiet about. (My mother is still keeping quiet about it, protecting the rapists).

The only way to break the chain of rape in the family is to talk about it! If you don’t tell your children that you have been raped, chances are, when they will be raped, they will not tell anyone about it either and the chain of sexual abuse will continue in the family for many generations to come.

The same goes to the other side too. Boys learn from their fathers that it is OK to rape. And so, this too, can be passed on from generation to generation.

That is why I urge everyone to tell their children about their own experiences of sexual abuse when they are old enough to understand it. If you don’t tell them, chances are they’ll be raped, too. And they won’t tell you about it when it happens because that’s how you’ve taught them.

Be bold and let them know when they are old enough to understand.

When I set out to heal being sexually abused, I first told my best friends about it. They accepted it and helped me deal with it. After that, I told my family about it too. That didn’t go very well. I didn’t get any support from them. At the moment, they don’t even talk to me because I dared publish that my father was a violent narcissist who has raped my mother and sexually abused my sisters. They are still protecting the rapist…

After I told my family, I decided to tell everyone about it, because I wanted to take my power back from the person who had sexually abused me. I also hope that by sharing my experiences I will help other people heal themselves too. You are not alone with this trauma.


How to heal the inner family after rape

Once I managed to return to my physical body, I began healing my inner family. The problem was that the inner child didn’t trust the inner man. So I first asked my heart to create an inner home inside my heart. Once the inner home was there, I invited the inner men, the inner women and the inner child into the inner home inside my heart.

Once they were all home, I asked all three of them to open their hearts to one another. That took several weeks of different issues of trust rising up. In the end the inner family were together inside my inner home.

The main issue was mistrust between the inner child and the inner parents. As my father was a violent narcissist and my mother was his enabler, who always took his side against me.

(If you want to know more about narcissistic families and the roles the adults and children play in them, I recommend Darren Magee’s videos in youtube.)

I could never relay on my parents. But I could relay on my inner parents. So I had to separate myself from my parents and define myself a new: What it means to be a good father? What it means to be a good mother? What it means to be a good person? A good son?

That is how I created a space between me and my parents and left their legacy behind me.

After that I came to an agreement with my abused inner child that there is no sex without love. And then the inner child opened his creative sexual powers again and I became a creator again, a magician.

Then the inner man, the inner woman and the inner child all combined their kundalini flows into one, with my heart, and my creation process moved from my loins, into my heart.

The inner family in the inner home, with unified kundalini
My inner family, inside my inner home in my heart.


The most important thing is to stand by your inner child

As I went through this process of inner healing, I found out that the most important thing is to stand by my inner abused child. I promised him that if he dares to come out of his hiding place, I will stand by him loyally and protect him whenever necessary. Ever since then my self-esteem has greatly improved and I’m confident I can tackle almost anything. As the Beastie Boys once said, “Be true to yourself and you will never fall!”

During this process, I have had to learn how to say no! To many people: no! I’m not doing this, I’m not ready. I’m not going to pretend I’m someone else. This is me. I have been sexually abused, but I have not given up and I am going to live my life the way I want to. I stand by myself and I am not going to be quiet. I support myself, I forgive myself when I can’t do something, and I try to love myself as I am, even when I feel broken.

Please be your best friend! Support yourself and your inner child. Stand by his side and don’t force him to do anything if he’s not ready to do yet. Treat yourself as you would treat your own child.


Taking back your power after being raped

Remember, raping other people is wrong. The shame you carry does not belong to you. It belongs to the rapist / abuser.

The only way to get your power back from him/her is to name them publicly. That way they will know that you are not afraid of them anymore. That is why I have named my sexual abuser in this article: Lior S from Merom Golan. Now it’s out, Lior S, now you are the one who has to hide in shame, not me…

Thank you for reading this article! I hope you find this article helpful in your own healing process. You are not alone.

Love, Arje Sakari Silander

2 thoughts on “A story about rape

  1. Thank you for writing this! This an amazing detailed story and guide for healing sexual/childhood trauma! We are at least 4 generations in to rape, to my knowledge in my family line.

    When I learned my daughter was abused by my son, it sent shock waves and it forced me to acknowledge publicly my own sexual abuse so that we could begin to heal as a family. The night I found out about my daughter I called a family meeting with all my kids. I felt strongly that we had to speak truth and thus couldn’t be some family secret or this cycle would continue for more generations.

    I sat my 5 kids down, my daughter close to me to help her feel safe, and asked her to tell her story (as much as she felt comfortable saying) to all of us in front of her abuser (my oldest son). He cried as she told. After she told, I shared with my kids how I was sexually assaulted at 17 and also shared how my mom was abused by her brother for years. We all cried. I told my children that we would heal and make home a safe place for everyone.

    My middle son told me how he felt very bullied by his brother, no sexual abuse, and by my ex husband. We all cried together. I asked my oldest son to speak. He shared he had been sexually abused from kindergarten to 1st grade by an boy who was stronger than him. Which is why he only has girl friends. He also shared how shameful and remorseful he felt that he violated his sister. He wept and we all wept. That was the last night he spent in our home. He went to live with his dad the next morning because my number 1 goal was to restore physical safety.

    This was 2 years ago. My son made tremendous progress in therapy, he’s still on his journey. My ex husband has taken responsibility of his abusive nature and worked to heal the relationship with out kids. My son took responsibility for his actions and worked to make amends. I took responsibility for my parenting that created an environment for abuse and for the kids to stay quiet for so long.

    One thing I want to add is that it is more harmful to the abuser to not name it or address it because it shields them from taking responsibility. When they take responsibility they become more empowered and have a fighting chance of restoring thier own healing and self confidence if will to do the work. Abusers are alway victims first. I hope someday to help promote healing for other! Again thank you so much for this! Light and love!

    1. Thank you for being brave and sharing the story of your family.
      Blessings to you and your whole family, Arje

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